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Dan Savage on the evolution of straight gaydar

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Salon has an interview with Dan Savage titled “The evolution of Dan Savage” which is a pretty good read if you’re not very familiar with the progression of his career, and includes an interesting (to me) bit about his motivation for starting the It Gets Better Project:

One of the things that was a wake-up call for me last year before the “It Gets Better” campaign — why we launched it, my husband and I — was when I was sort of unaware how bad it was getting out there. You know, in the Greensburg, Indianas, and the Topachakees, Californias, where Constance McMillen was. What I didn’t realize before those suicides opened my eyes, was that as it was getting better in New York or San Francisco or Seattle, it was getting worse out in the sticks, out in mega-church land. Because those of us who are out and urban and fully integrated into our work lives and families, our existence has made it impossible for queer 14-year-olds to fly under the radar in a Greensburg. When I was a kid, and I was odd, the default assumption was that I was odd, not that I was gay. Now when a kid is odd in a Greensburg, gay or straight, the default assumption is gay. Because my job requires me to be in constant communication with people all over the country who are writing in to “Savage Love,” calling the podcast, I think I’m a little more conscious of what’s going on out there in the boonies — but even I didn’t see that. And that’s a bitter pill for those of us my age to swallow. Us out there leading our lives and being successful have actually kind of made it worse for 14-year-old gay kids in Greensburg, Ind. Well, made it worse, but that’s part of progress, right? Absolutely. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t have lived this way, or we shouldn’t have come out. And the people who are most responsible for making it worse are of course anti-gay politicians and anti-gay preachers, and parents, teachers and peers who are persecuting these kids. But we’ve created a kind of hyper-awareness about sexuality and sexual orientation that has let to hyper-scrutiny about those things, in places where people weren’t on the lookout for it before. Everybody’s on the lookout for it now.

Savage has also referred to this increased awareness of homosexuality on his podcast, to explain why people are not only willing to claim that Marcus Bachmann is a closeted gay but condemn him for not being un-closeted. He (Savage) says that our cultural attitude has changed– that back when most gays were closeted of necessity, it was so much easier and more likely that straight people would ignore their own gaydar through ignorance or consideration or both. But now that being gay is semi-culturally acceptable, people both notice who seems gay more readily and often and expect that people who are gay should come out. So they feel more comfortable with and entitled to judge closeted gays for not coming out. Basically, that straight people used to prefer to be lied to, but not anymore. For some reason the “permalink” option on the Savage Love podcast does not lead to any such thing, but you can hear him explaining this (much better) at the beginning of episode 249 here.

This just in: free birth control will bring about the apocalypse

This just in: free birth control will bring about the apocalypse published on 2 Comments on This just in: free birth control will bring about the apocalypse

GOP congressman says free birth control will end the human race, said a headline that I was very reluctant to believe. Someone claims that? Seriously?

But I was pretty much wrong:

GOP Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) suggested that providing free birth control would lead to the end of the entire human race. “If you applied that preventative medicine universally what you end up with is you’ve prevented a generation. Preventing babies from being born is not medicine. That’s not — that’s not constructive to our culture and our civilization. If we let our birth rate get down below replacement rate we’re a dying civilization,” King said on the House floor on Monday night. Before King gets too concerned, it might behoove him to check some recent U.S. Census Bureau statistics. The United States population is expected to increase 44 percent from its current 305 million to 439 million in 2050. Addressing the fact that 50 percent of pregnancies in this country are unintended, therefore, might not bring about the apocalypse King foresees.

Lessons in totalitarian thinking: That which is not forbidden is compulsory. If birth control is not just legal but government funded, that means all women must use it, all of the time! No more babies, ever! We’re going to die out as a species! Aaaaaaaaah!

On Tuesday (as Think Progress noted) on Fox News’ “America’s Newsroom,” Sandy Rios, the Family PAC Federal Vice President, compared the coverage of birth control, breast feeding aides and abuse counseling to covering beauty treatments: “We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?” Rios also suggested that young women are better off just having babies than having safe sex: “Having a baby is not the worst thing. I think having multiple sex partners without any kind of restraint or responsibility is much more damning.”

Interesting choice of words….”damning.” Not less healthy, not less safe, not less happy. Damned.

Memo to Sandy Rios: Men and women who use birth control are not nymphomaniacs. We may be sinners, but that’s our business. And some of us believe that using birth control is being responsible, if you’re not interested in creating a pregnancy just now. Crazy concept, I know.

Speculations on the economics of sterilization: Denmark edition

Speculations on the economics of sterilization: Denmark edition published on No Comments on Speculations on the economics of sterilization: Denmark edition

From the blog of Dan Ariely, professor of behavioral economics:

The Economics of Sterilization When it comes to sterilization, Denmark has had a rather turbulent history. In 1929, in the midst of rising social concerns regarding an increase in sex crimes and general “degeneracy,” the Danish government passed legislation bordering on eugenics, requiring sterilization in some men and women. Between 1929 and 1967, while the legislation was active, approximately 11,000 people were sterilized – roughly half of them against their will. Then, the policy was changed so that sterilization was still available, still free, but not involuntary. And as you might expect, the sterilization rate in Denmark dropped down dramatically – and stayed this way until 2010. Now we come to 2010. In only a few short months, the sterilization rate increased fivefold. No, this was not a regression to the old legislation; it was a result of free choice… What happened? Last year, the Danish government announced that sterilization, which had been free, would cost at least 7,000 kroner (~$1,300) for men and 13,000 kroner (~$2,500) for women as of January 1st, 2011. Following the announcement, doctors performing sterilizations found that their patient load suddenly surged. People were scrambling to get sterilized while it was still free. Now, it could be that the people who were already planning on getting sterilized at some point in the future just made their appointments a bit sooner, and conveniently saved some money. But I can also imagine that (much like our research on free tattoos) there were many people who did not really think much about sterilization before the price change, but were so averse to giving up such a good deal that it pushed them to take the offer and undergo a fairly serious procedure. And although we usually don’t think about sterilization as an impulse purchase, it might just become one when a free deal is about to be snipped.

First thought: I doubt it. It seems far more likely that the people who got sterilized last year were “some dayers,” who are married or at least coupled and have a kid or two with no plans for more, with thoughts about him getting a vasectomy “someday.” Or possibly getting her tubes tied, though that’s more expensive. But once it was announced that the procedures would no longer be publicly funded, “someday” became “today.”

Second thought: The U.S. has eugenics in its history too, and it is for that reason that I’m pretty sure publicly funded sterilization here would be met with an outcry that eugenics has returned. Of course Denmark is a bastion of socialized healthcare so it’s not unusual that things would be different there….what’s unusual to my eyes is that they decided to change things and begin charging. If cutting costs is the goal, isn’t it a bit short-sighted to begin with a procedure that prevents all of the future costs that come with having a child which also at least in part will be publicly-funded? Or, for that matter, the costs of abortion? Granted, a first trimester abortion probably costs about a third of what female sterilization would cost….but that’s assuming first trimester, and that it’s the only abortion she gets. It just seems an odd policy decision to make.

Third thought: There is a dramatically less invasive and expensive form of female sterilization called Essure. But it was not government funded even when other forms of sterilization were, and you have to go to Copenhagen to get it. It would seem like if cutting corners when it comes to sterilization is really deemed a good decision (highly questionable), beginning to fund that and licensing more doctors to perform it would be the way to go.

Another message to Rick Santorum from Dan Savage

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“Hell yes” of the day

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Links!

Links! published on No Comments on Links!
  • Pat Robertson declares that just as every other country to accept homosexuality and gay marriage has failed, so shall the U.S. One wonders exactly how Robertson defines failure, given that Denmark legalized civil unions in 1985 and many other countries have embraced gays as equal to a similar or greater extent since. They seem to be doing all right…
  • Rich Swier of Tea Party Nation declares that anti-gay bullying is simply peer pressure of the helpful variety also used to discourage immoral behavior such as drug abuse. Because all of us look back with fond memories on those helpful schoolyard bullies who guided kids away from developing addictive habits via tough love. Or as Ed Brayton put it more succinctly, “What an asshole.”
  • 51 floats had their tires slashed before Chicago Pride Parade on Sunday. Almost all, however, were repaired in time and made it into the parade anyway. So sorry, vandals…the show must go on.
  • Thoughtful piece from Brian Palmer at Slate asking why, in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling that laws banning the sale of violent video games to children are unconstitutional, we are so much more willing to expose children to images of violence than sex.
  • Elizabeth Weingarten, also at Slates, is cautiously optimistic about the fact that heroine Merida of Pixar’s upcoming Film Brave has curly hair, but notes that generally curly-haired women in films tend to be of the nerdy variety who (if they are major players) inevitably seem to get some makeover that involves a serious encounter with a flat iron by the end of the film. I hadn’t considered this as I was too busy being over the moon about how well Pixar had rendered said curly hair. But she has a point– let the curly girls stay curly. Some of us actually (gasp) prefer it that way!
  • PZ Myers is less than impressed with a recent Salon article touting health benefits as offering legitimacy to male circumcision.  Have to say, so am I. This is a practice that is on its way out in the United States, so that eventually hopefully even the “But he will wonder why he doesn’t look like his dad!” argument will die a natural death due to public bafflement and derison.
  • All Star Trek series are apparently going to be streaming on Netflix starting in July. Wow….I might have to work through the entirety of TNG, just because.  

Those immoral, sinful, perverse, lucky lesbians

Those immoral, sinful, perverse, lucky lesbians published on 4 Comments on Those immoral, sinful, perverse, lucky lesbians

From How to be a Retronaut: Lesbian Pulp Fiction, 1935-1958

The description at the Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library site reads:

Included here are twenty-five illustrated front and back covers from pulp fiction novels dating between 1935-1958. This small collection of novels is part of the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library’s growing collection of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer materials representing the fields of history, literature, cultural studies, popular culture, the arts, and design. These novels, named after the inexpensive wood pulp paper on which they were printed, could be found at magazine and newspaper stands, drugstores, and bus terminals. Publishers included mainstream companies such as Bantam, Viking, and Fawcett as well as smaller houses specializing in erotica like Bedside Books and Nightstand Books. Several established authors wrote pulp novels under pseudonyms, including Mists of Avalon author Marion Zimmer Bradley (as Lee Chapman, Miriam Gardner, Morgan Ives) and the mystery writer Lawrence Block (Jill Emerson, Sheldon Ward, Andrew Shaw).

Not all of them condemn same-sex relationships right there on the front cover– I just picked the worst offenders. I’d be interested to know what the readership of these novels was like…the proportion of straight men to self-hating lesbians. Or maybe not self-hating, but willing to ignore the blatant attempts at guilt-tripping accompanying the titillation.

Gotta go now…Mom says I have to take a nap with my 35-year-old twin. I hope Bill, who might well be our brother and is pushing 40 himself, isn’t too jealous.

Taming the tiger

Taming the tiger published on 9 Comments on Taming the tiger

Ed posted at Dispatches today about Slut Walk and Vox Day’s reaction to it. My favorite comment of the thread so far, hands down, comes from Eric:

Just as you don’t teach a tiger to stop devouring steak by continuously waving a bloody t-bone in front of it…  He’s not just wrong in comparing men to beasts, he’s wrong in his understanding of beasts. Multiple-fold analogy fail.  Because you do in fact train animals to ignore food by putting food in front of them, then giving them an alternate reward when they succeed in ignoring it. Over time, you can balance a steak on a dog’s nose if you really have the patience to go that far. Though I’m not sure I want to try and analogize that. 🙂

I think I do, actually. The Vox Days of the world are apparently rape-tigers. No, that’s too flattering an image…let’s stick with rape-dogs. And the only way they can learn not to eat the tempting steak/rape the scantily dressed woman in front of them is to be desensitized. So the solution, the way to get them to stop, is by repeated exposure to tempting steaks/scantily clad women. The way to reduce sexual attacks, or at least the belief that sexual attacks are provoked, is to have more women dress like “sluts.” Which is precisely what the Slut Walkers are encouraging.

So congrats, Vox, you actually stumbled onto a viable hypothesis. It’s unfortunate that it happens to be diametrically opposed to what you thought. That’s what happens when you switch the responsibility for rape from victims back onto rapists.

Of course, it’s not actually true that there’s a direct inverse relationship between the amount of clothing women wear in a given society and their personal safety. But it does seem to be the case that in societies where women are free to be more sexually liberated they are also safer, and vice versa. You’d think that would be common sense, wouldn’t you?

This just in: opponents of Slut Walks identify with rapists. Shocking.

This just in: opponents of Slut Walks identify with rapists. Shocking. published on 5 Comments on This just in: opponents of Slut Walks identify with rapists. Shocking.
“I see cleavage!  Must rape!”

Holy cats. If you have a need to troll for misogynists, apparently there’s no better way than to have a Slut Walk. Articles on the subject appeared in the Guardian and the Daily Mail yesterday, and Dawn Foster found these in the Mail’s comment thread:

If women were a little, just a little, more interesting then men wouldn’t treat them as mere sex objects. But tell me this – If women are NOT sex objects, what exactly is their purpose? To Women, men are nothing than an alternative source of income and to men, women are nothing more than a source of relief so I think women should just accept this fact and get on with it. Also, as a minor point, those so called women in the picture are those that should not worry about being viewed as sex objects, because they most certainly are not. They would turn most men into using their hand for relief, rather than a sex object. – Adam, Sutton Coldfield – UK, 10/5/2011 14:31  …the way some women dress encourages men to have inappropriate thoughts and, for the less principled and disciplined males, inappropriate behaviour often follows those thoughts. If women can’t accept this or don’t/won’t understand it, then they don’t know much about the male species and have no one but themselves to blame when it goes wrong for them. – Reubenene, Somewhere In The World, 10/5/2011 13:13  The one holding the banner sayins ” SEX is something people do together…” must have read it in a book. She can’t possibly be speaking from experience. – Peter, France, 10/5/2011 12:05  Judging from the photos you are all quite safe “ladies”. – Mike Roberts, Stevenage, Herts, 10/5/2011 12:30 

Yes, yes, I know people call it the “Daily Fail” for a reason. It’s sensationalistic, lurid, and often misleading. There was never a celebrity drug problem the Daily Fail didn’t like. But these comments, especially the first one, verge on sociopathic. I’m starting to think it’s axiomatic that in any online discussion about male/female sexual relations, there will inevitably be at least a few men who not only effectively declare themselves to be misogynistic, but also insist that the same is the case for the entirety of the male “species.” I like how Reubenene, while acknowledging that not all men are inspired to rape at the sight of a woman who is dressed in a certain way, attributes the reason for that to “principle and discipline.” As though looking at a woman appreciatively and raping her are on some kind of continuum, and the only difference between an admirer and a rapist is that the admirer stops a bit earlier– rather than attraction and attack being, you know, two rather fundamentally different things.

In response to this, Dawn says:

So we’ve learnt that two stubborn false preconceptions about rape exist: 1) If women don’t modify their behaviour, rape is inevitable, and always their fault. 2) Rape is about physical attractiveness, not power. I’m so bored of hearing people with no concept of what rape is, and how it occurs, argue that rape occurs when one person finds another attractive and the object of desire doesn’t reciprocate. This is patent bullshit – rape is about power, not sex. Inches of column space were spent pondering why the “Night Stalker” in London had raped elderly people, querying why he found them attractive, rather than looking at the fact that he was targeting the vulnerable.

I don’t like the “power, not sex” explanation. Never have. It seems to me that there is already a multiplicity of reasons why rapists rape, and narrowing it down from two to one motivations is working in precisely the wrong direction. I think rape is “about” power and sex, along with a lot of other things, but the insistence that it’s about power only is useful because it makes it easier to assign responsibility for a rape– on the rapist only. Unlike a fist fight outside of a bar that erupts because an argument got too heated, a rape is one-sided in terms of moral responsibility. I don’t think it’s invalid to ask why a rapist might be sexually interested in his/her victim, but to make it all about sexual attraction is missing the point completely. For the purposes of assigning responsibility, a rape is a kind of attack– period.

I do agree with Dawn, however, on this point:

I’m always amazed men aren’t more furious at the way the rape problem is framed. If women dress “provocatively” and are likely to be raped as a result that means you men must, if you see an attractive enough woman, feel the urge to rape. You are so unable to control yourselves, that essentially you are purely animal, you are a baser human than women. Do you honestly feel like this? At any point in your life, have you been walking home, and thought “Gosh, I’d really like to rape her”. Because that is what these kind of stories and comments are claiming. 

Exactly. Comparing women to meat being dangled in front of the cages of predators is the road to putting all of us– well, all of us women— in burqas. It’s a sexual heckler’s veto. We might as well just cover ourselves completely and call it a day, because men can’t be expected to control themselves within sight of a women who is sufficiently uncovered (all existing evidence which takes place nightly in clubs and bars across the world to the contrary). It couldn’t be at all possible that the urge to brand women as “sluts” if they dress a certain way and tell them to cover up if they don’t want to get raped stems from the very same thinking (that “slutty” dressed women deserve to be raped, or at least it doesn’t matter much if it happens) that causes rape in the first place. Nope, not at all.

I wonder how many rapes take place in nudist colonies.

Don’t dress your children provocatively…or major news sites will call them “tramps”

Don’t dress your children provocatively…or major news sites will call them “tramps” published on 10 Comments on Don’t dress your children provocatively…or major news sites will call them “tramps”

I find it difficult to imagine how someone could read this without being creeped out by the author rather than the subject of his own disturbance:

I saw someone at the airport the other day who really caught my eye.  Her beautiful, long blond hair was braided back a la Bo Derek in the movie “10” (or for the younger set, Christina Aguilera during her “Xtina” phase). Her lips were pink and shiny from the gloss, and her earrings dangled playfully from her lobes.  You can tell she had been vacationing somewhere warm, because you could see her deep tan around her midriff thanks to the halter top and the tight sweatpants that rested just a little low on her waist. The icing on the cake? The word “Juicy” was written on her backside.  Yeah, that 8-year-old girl was something to see alright [sic] … I hope her parents are proud. Their daughter was the sexiest girl in the terminal, and she’s not even in middle school yet.

This is a CNN columnist, LZ Granderson, attempting to shame parents for the fact that he looked at their prepubescent daughter and found her sexually attractive. Oh wait, he didn’t find her sexually attractive…he’s just pointing out that some other adult might, and therefore they shouldn’t dress their daughter like a “tramp.” That’s the take-home lesson– it is the responsibility of parents not to allow their daughters to dress in a way that connotes sexual attractiveness in adults, because…adults apparently can’t handle themselves? The sight of an eight-year-old’s midriff is just too much to take? Really?

Strange how uncannily that sounds like the comments that residents of Cleveland, Texas made only recently about an 11-year-old girl who was gang-raped: “she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s.” Ergo, we can dance right up to the edge of saying She was asking to be raped, that little whore without actually doing so.

Hypothesis: The general resistance to the idea of young girls dressing “sexy” is almost entirely an attempt to protect adults, not children. And it is done by transferring the blame of adults finding themselves attracted to children, to the children themselves and to their parents. Don’t dress in a way that might cause me to look at you inappropriately, little girl, and I (probably) won’t. But if you do and I do, it’s your fault. That’s how we get a grown man reacting with horror to the fact that a little girl is dressed in a way that almost certainly isn’t remotely sexual to her. She thinks she looks pretty and is dressed comfortably. That’s it.

The column goes on:

Abercrombie & Fitch came under fire this spring for introducing the “Ashley,” a push-up bra for girls who normally are too young to have anything to push up. Originally it was marketed for girls as young as 7, but after public outcry, it raised its intended audience to the wise old age of 12. I wonder how do people initiate a conversation in the office about the undeveloped chest of elementary school girls without someone nearby thinking they’re pedophiles?

Answer: they don’t. Someone like you will always think it, without any sense of irony.

A push-up bra on a twelve-year-old is silly.  It is not a threat to society, the psychology of the girl in question, or that of everyone around her. I started wearing a bra of necessity when I was in the fourth grade, about age ten. That should tell you that I had no need of a push-up bra at that age or any other, but it’s not like millions of girls that age don’t experience anxiety regarding the size of their chests. Although honestly, being caught using a push-up bra sounds like a liability as much as being caught stuffing your bra was when I was in school. You accepted your fate, or you got mocked…but most likely it was a certain amount of both. It’s hard to imagine that ever changing.
The way I see it, my son can go to therapy later if my strict rules have scarred him. But I have peace knowing he’ll be able to afford therapy as an adult because I didn’t allow him to wear or do whatever he wanted as a kid.
Maybe I’m a Tiger Dad.
Maybe I should mind my own business.
Or maybe I’m just a concerned parent worried about little girls like the one I saw at the airport.
In 2007, the American Psychological Association’s Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls issued a report linking early sexualization with three of the most common mental-health problems of girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression. There’s nothing inherently wrong with parents wanting to appease their daughters by buying them the latest fashions. But is getting cool points today worth the harm dressing little girls like prostitutes could cause tomorrow?
And dressing little girls “like prostitutes” means..what?  And the harm it causes is…what?  I’m not willing to daydream the answers to those questions into existence. A few points:
  1. You can suggest that certain things are for adults but not children without suggesting that they are nasty, tawdry, or otherwise disreputable.  A high-end prostitute (not that there’s anything wrong with being one) dresses similarly to any other attractive well-to-do woman going out on a date. There is no guaranteed way to distinguish between the two.
  2. If you’re concerned about your daughter becoming a low-end prostitute, a street walker (my mother’s favorite term for what I was emulating when my skirt was a bit high or shirt too tight for her liking), her apparel is probably the last thing that should dominate your attention. Try focusing on her grades. Or her general sense of well-being. A good way to prevent other people from defining your daughter by her appearance is not to do so yourself, don’t you think?
  3. An eight-year-old only understands that there is something wrong with going topless because her parents tell her so. And there is nothing inherently wrong with going topless; it’s simply a social convention. Sooner or later every woman– every human being, if they have a spark of intellect and creativity– will come to challenge social conventions, and it doesn’t mean he or she is less of a person. Quite the opposite, actually.
Full disclosure: I’m not a parent, and don’t intend to ever become one. To a lot of people that renders my opinion of anything at all related to children invalid. But I am a female, have been a girl child, and have experienced the complete bewilderment that comes when people insist that you’re doing something wrong, that there is something wrong with you, simply because of how you’ve chosen to dress. When you grow up you realize that there is actually something wrong with them. They want you to dress a certain way because otherwise they will be unable to refrain from judging you, raping you, or both.
I realize that there is such a thing as propriety. The little girl described in this column probably shouldn’t show up at a funeral in her halter top and Juicy sweatpants. There is also such a thing as legitimate concern about your child’s sexual choices– nobody wants their daughter to become accidentally pregnant, or their son to accidentally impregnate someone’s daughter. But clothing styles and sexual practices are two different things. Really, it’s true. If we insist on pretending otherwise, we are giving credence to the victim-blamers and feeding the pervasive bias that suggests someone’s personal worth can be determined by how she dresses.  Prostitutes and promiscuous women are lesser, the thinking goes, therefore people who dress like prostitutes and promiscuous women (or more accurately, how I imagine such people dress) are lesser by association. That is how a grown man writing for CNN gets to apply the word “tramp” to a little girl.